Marriage is a Three-Legged Race

Lately I’ve been pondering what one piece of advice I’d give my young relatives about marriage.

Boiling it down to one thing is hard. It assumes they know there is no more “your money” and “my money”, only “our money”. You hope they know marriage means you stop dating. Surely they can figure out the answer to “Does this make my butt look big?” is an emphatic “No!”

Now, everyone who’s married could give a dozen tips to the newly married, but no one wants to listen to all that. Is there just one thing that trumps all the rest? Looking back over 22 years of love and laughter and hurt feelings and I’m sorry’s, a common theme does seem to emerge:

Talk!

Getting through this three-legged race we call marriage takes a lot of communication.

You’d think you’d be good at talking by the time you get married. We all do it all the time. And when you were courting you and your beloved talked about everything: How much you wanted to get married, how much fun it would be to be married, and how pretty her eyes are. Surely all that talking prepares you for the challenges of communicating in a marriage, right?

But often they assume you know what they want because obviously. After all, there’s only one right way to load a dishwasher, and everyone knows how you’re supposed to hang the toilet paper. Since most people try to avoid conflict, they don’t talk about the things that really bother them, even though that would avoid a lot of conflict. (Don’t try to make sense of it.)

When you’re trying to set up a new household together, don’t assume anything. Don’t assume who will do the dishes or who will pay the bills. The way your house worked while you were growing up is probably not the way your spouse’s worked. Talk about everything. No matter how mundane. Really. And don’t say “I need you to help more” when what you really mean is “I hate doing X, so I want you to do that” or “I can’t do Y by myself, I need you to help.”

So talk about your expectations. And talk about your priorities. What are you going to spend money on? How much are you going to save? For what are you saving? How much will you give? To whom? Talk about how you’re going to discipline your kids. How are you going to educate them? Don’t assume anything. Assumptions lead to conflict. Conflict leads to anger. Anger leads to suffering. (Thank you, Master Yoda.)

Also talk about the things that are going on with you. “I’m scared that we’re going to run out of money.” “I’m nervous about what’s going on at work.” “This mole seems to be developing a face.” Don’t keep things to yourself.

I screwed this one up pretty badly. I started having some fun stomach issues in 2005 that lasted a few years. I was nauseous for most of 2006. I never wanted to be the guy who was laid low by the dreaded Man Cold, so I downplayed everything and kept things under my hat as best I could. Except I didn’t. It affected my behavior in ways I didn’t realize. When you feel that bad, your mate can tell something’s wrong even when they don’t know what. When they start to wonder what’s going on, “he’s probably secretly sick” is not what they’re going to come up with. Don’t leave it to your spouse’s imagination. Talk.

When it comes to marriage, overshare. Don’t be stupid. “That blonde’s hot” will also lead to suffering. But in your life together, err to the side of talking. Let’s return to the three-legged race. Marriage is a long, long race — ‘til death do us part. Some things get easier with practice, but communication will always smooth the way.


Image via Flickr