Once upon a time, Sam and Cindy were talking when Cindy asked Sam how God could be good when there's so much evil in the world. Sam took a breath and talked about some of the evil in the world and how hard it can be to deal with it. Along the way he told Cindy how he answers that question for himself. Sam got a bit choked up, and Cindy felt the need to give him a hug.
The above are based on true stories. What's the difference between those two tales?
While I'm at it, I'll tell one on myself: When I was in college, I felt the need to share the gospel with a friend who was a semi-observant Roman Catholic. I explained the truth that we're saved by grace apart from any good works we can do to the best of my ability. My friend was unmoved. Actually, my friend was annoyed, saying I sounded like a professor giving a lecture. Where'd I go wrong? In my delivery.
Tim's problem, also, was he went into professor mode, trying to "explain away" the problem of evil, whereas Sam's response showed that he deals with it. When you present something very personal to the other person as easy to explain, you inadvertently suggest they're silly for not knowing this.
Some of this is just personality. If I get to explaining something, I tend to go into professorial monotone or get way too emotional. My kids have gotten used to both. But through practice, I've learned to do better, which my actual students have appreciated.
I have to be mindful of this whenever I have conversations with anyone. I can come on a little strong, and that's not helpful. We've all heard the old saying, you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. The Bible has a different way of saying it:
"Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect ..." (1Pet 3:15b).
Recall that gentleness is strength restrained for the good of the other person. In this case, you know what they need to hear, but if you drop it on them in a way that hurts them, you're not going to do any good.
Respect can be really hard. The honest truth is sometimes people will raise objections to Christianity, not as legitimate questions, but as a club to beat you over the head. It's hard not to want smack down the smug little ... ahem, anyway, we have to be respectful to that person, because Jesus said so. We also have to be mindful of who else might be listening.
Whether we're sharing the gospel, answering objections, or just giving helpful advice, tone makes a difference. And so do the actual words we choose. We want — I desperately want — to encourage other believers to get into the word, to grow in the faith, and to live what they believe. And nagging them won't help. But hopefully we can encourage them in a way that will eventually be successful.
So whatever you're talking about, avoid any tone or manner that could be described with an adjective ending in -y: eg, preachy, judgy, grumpy, snarky. Remember the advice from Stand to Reasons' Greg Koukl: "If anyone gets angry, I lose."
We want to answer the questions people have about Christianity, whether it's why we believe in a God at all or how we could possibly think Christianity is healthy in modern society, and we have to do it in a way that makes the questioner (whether that person is sincere in their question or not) feel loved and valued and seen.
We've got the truth, and we ought to share it. But if we're not right right, it won't do anyone any good.
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